The Fact of the Matter

I am struggling a little.  For about the whole first year of Ivy's life, I was struggling a lot.  I am doing so much better now, by comparison, and there are lots of good moments, but there are also moments when I am just feeling better enough to be angry instead of just depressed, and I am still more easily thrown off than I used to be.  For a long time I felt like I was running in front of a bulldozer, like I was tripping, and there were things going down all around me, but I couldn't stop or I would be a pancake.  Now I feel more like I'm treading water, like if I just keep going and going, maybe I can keep my head mostly out of the water.  It's not floating down a lazy river, but I haven't drowned yet, so I'm going to go ahead and call that a win.

And I feel hopeful.  Because, hey!  Not that long ago, it was the bulldozer, right?  And things have gotten better, and so maybe they will keep getting better, and at some point, maybe I will feel like I have my life, and myself, under control.

And I feel grateful.  Because, let's be honest:  all things considered, my life is pretty great.  And, if we're really being honest, this whole, long, not-my-favorite experience has probably been really good for me.  You know, in the long run.

And I feel introspective.  Because this last long time of being who I don't want to be has really got me thinking about who I do want to be.  And what that person does.  And says.  And doesn't do or say.  And why.

And I'm trying to remember to breathe and keep my eyes wide open for all of the beautiful moments.