I would just like to take a moment

to complain about potty-training.


In the months before Asher turned two, he suddenly started to show an interest in the toilet.  At first, he wanted to come in when we used the restroom, and then he wanted to sit on the toilet himself.  Since he had already fulfilled the requirements of telling us when he was filling his diaper and then telling us when he was about to fill his diaper, we decided that this was a sign that he might be ready for us to start thinking about potty-training.  There were still a few months before we would have a new baby in the house, so we figured if we got started right away, we might be able to make a decent amount of progress before there was another little person competing for my attention.  (Those of you who have potty-trained a child can start laughing now... unless, of course, you were blessed with the sort of child with whom you actually could make some progress in just a few months, in which case, just know that there is someone here in balmy Wisconsin glaring in your general direction.)


I went out and bought a potty seat.  When I showed it to Asher he was delighted.  He wanted to sit on it right away.  After a few days, however, we made the mistake of suggesting that he sit on it without a diaper on.  Asher's response was something like:


No! Nonononono!!  NOOOOOO!!!!!!


if I remember correctly.


Our little cherub continued to refuse to sit on the potty sans diaper until we moved and then had a baby (five days apart, 'cause we're that good at planning)  at which point, the potty seat got put away while I focused on other things.


In the fall, when Asher was two-and-a-half, we decided, for some reason that I do not recall, that it was time to try again.  Actually, the reason might simply have been that he was two-and-a-half, which, as we all know, is practically three, and of course, if you haven't at least made some kind of effort to potty-train your child by three, then what kind of parent are you, anyway?  or something.


So, we pulled out the potty seat again.  We talked to Asher about using it and he responded very positively.  I took him to the store and he picked out some underwear, which he was very excited about wearing.  Before too long, he had managed to keep some trainer underwear completely clean for a couple of days straight and I let him wear the super-cool Lightning McQueen underwear he had picked out at the store.  For several days or maybe even a week, things continued to go superbly.  Then it all fell apart.


I put Asher back in the trainer underwear and made him earn the other underwear back, but again, once he had earned his reward the motivation disappeared.  We tried a sticker chart, giving Asher a new toy of his choice when he had done well at potty-training for two weeks.  He kept his underwear dry while he was filling up the chart, and for a week or so after he got the toy, but then we were back to multiple accidents per day.


Six months, a second sticker chart, several timeouts, revoked privileges, cookies, chocolates, and marshmallows later, I felt that we had made very little progress.  In exasperation, I put Asher back in diapers, decreeing that he would not get to wear underwear again for "a long time."  Only then did I realize that we actually had accomplished something, namely, that Asher at least consistently pooped in the toilet.  Not having had to change poop-filled diapers for months, I had become unwilling to do so, and so we went back to the underwear, with me enforcing very frequent bathroom visits.


Despite all my efforts, however, Asher was still managing to have an accident or two most days (by which I do not mean a small wet area on his underwear, but rather soaked underwear, pants and socks, often accompanied by a large puddle on the floor).  A friend of mine suggested that I give Asher a cold shower when he peed in his pants.  This sounded like a great idea, and the next day I told Asher that if he didn't keep his underwear dry, that would be the consequence.  When Asher had his accident, we tried it.  He screamed in the shower, and when we pulled him out five seconds later, he informed me that he would "never pee in his underwear, ever, ever, again!"  For the rest of that day and all of the next, he kept his word, and we were feeling pretty good about ourselves, but the day after that he had another accident.  He had four cold showers in six days, and there were a couple of other accidents that I excused because we were out of the house.


That brings us to yesterday, when I put Asher back in diapers again.  After most of a day of diapering and un-diapering Asher multiple times so that he could use the toilet, Hugh wondered if there might be some other kind of diaper--one that could be pulled up and down and would allow a child to continue to use the toilet as if he were wearing underwear.  As it turns out, there is just such a product on the market these days, and this morning, Asher and I went out and bought some pull-ups.  Who knows?  Maybe they will be the magical ingredient that turns this whole potty-training business around.  (They do have special designs that fade when wet, after all.)  Or maybe we'll just scrap the whole thing and try again when Asher is five.  I'll let you know how it goes--unless the whole potty-training process sends me to an early grave.  In either case, I think we'll wait until later--like maybe thirty--with the next kid.