Standards

Dave Barry tells us that standards were invented by women millions of years ago while all of the men were off doing important guy things.  He says that "one of them, known as Smart Woman, said to the others: 'You know what we need around here?  We need some standards.'  And the other women said, 'Yes.  What are standards?'  And Smart Woman said, 'Standards are when we say to our mates, "Don't do something...."'  '....But why would our mates obey us?' asked the other women.  'Because,' said Smart Woman, 'we will look at them in a Certain Way.'  And she demonstrated a new facial expression that she had been working on; an expression that only women can make; an expression that has the mysterious power to make men realize that they are in Big Trouble, without knowing exactly why."  

(For more such insights into gender relations, see Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys.)

Several times in the past week, I have walked into the bathroom to find that somebody (probably Asher) has left the toilet seat up.  After grumbling to myself a few times about how boys are so (insert your favorite annoyed adjective here), I began to wonder 1. what it was, exactly, that bothered me so much about the toilet seat being up, and 2. why it seems so obvious to me that the world should be a certain way, while these rules are so foreign to the other adult members of my household. 

Let us start with #1.  When the toilet seat is down (preferably with the lid in place), I feel like it looks neat and tidy.  When the toilet seat is up, it doesn't inspire the same feeling.  I cannot actually explain what it is exactly about a down seat that brings such warmth to my soul.  To tell you the truth, if everybody kept their toilet seats up, I would probably prefer an up toilet seat.  Of course, I could argue that it is rude to leave the seat up because then I have to put it down every time I want to use the toilet.  However, it is equally true that if the toilet seat is kept down, then any male wanting to use the toilet will most likely have to lift the seat up first.  (Not that this lets any of you guys off the toilet-seat hook.  As my friend Mr. Barry explained, girls make the rules about how these things work, so we get to do what's convenient for us, and that's just the way it is.)  Of course, some standards are less arbitrary, like washing your hands after you use the restroom.  However, many males don't seem much more conscious of these standards than they do of those in the toilet-seat category.  

Which brings us to #2.  Why is it that women seem to know what all of the standards should be without even thinking about it while men are often unaware that any kind of standard is even necessary in most situations?  Bill Harley (a fantastic story-teller--If you have never heard him you should look him up.) suggests that maybe some kids are cool while others aren't because one day at the beginning of the 6th grade the teachers handed out a mimeograph sheet listing the rules about how to be cool, and if you were in school that day you got it, but if you missed that day you didn't get to be cool.  (He also says that there must have been a lot of kids, including himself, who were sick that day.)  Maybe standards are like that.  Before we came to earth, all of the women received the mimeograph standard sheet but all of the men were off hunting or fixing things or barbecuing.  Or maybe the standards gene is on the X chromosome but is only active if you have two.  Whatever it is, I do know that the divergence is deeply rooted.  I once attempted to help a certain member of the opposite gender to grasp some general standard concepts.  I thought this might be easier than trying to teach him every instance in which one must do or not do something in order to comply with each standard.  (ha, ha, ha)  I began asking the male in question if he could "be more conscious of" this or that.  For example, I asked him to be more conscious of not getting crumbs everywhere.  Eventually, we were both frustrated because he didn't know how to be more conscious of these general concepts, let alone what that meant he should do.  So, I went back to more specific instructions, such as, "don't walk around the house while eating toast." 

I guess I can't give any solid satisfactory answer to either question.  Perhaps the world will never know.  I suppose that my insistence on adherence to some standards might be seen by the males of the world as a gender-induced psychosis.  However, until I can procure some professional help, do you think these will help with the toilet seat issue?